Until It Breaks
by Sherry Marie
Summary: An unexpected encounter leaves Gojyo upset and distant, and Hakkai tries to help. A second chapter has been added. Shounen ai.
1. Chapter 1

Until it Breaks  
  
He found him leaning against a gnarled and knotted trunk of one of the many ancient trees that filled the forest. Trickles of stunted moonlight that managed to pierce the thick canopy of the greedy foliage overhead had slipped down and around the leaning figure, illuminating scarlet tresses that hung shadowing his face. Hakkai could see a thin tendril of smoke rising and curling upwards into the air, and it was the sharp scent of nicotine catching the wind that convinced him, more than anything else, that the silent and still figure up ahead was indeed his friend made flesh, and not a ghostly reminder of temptation lost in a forgotten dream.  
  
The group had been beyond exhausted after the day's intense battle with the powerful group of youkai they had come across. So, instead of waiting the hours that it would have taken to reach the next town, they had hastily rigged camp in the womb of the thick forest, and promptly collapsed.  
  
Or at least two of them had managed to collapse. When he had left them a short while ago, both Sanzou and Gokuu were lost in sleep on opposite sides of the dying fire. The priest was always somewhat of a wonder to Hakkai when he slept. The smooth marble-pale countenance of his face freed itself from the harsh look of bored concentration, and relaxed deeper into the haunting beauty of the man that made even Hakkai ache from time to time when confronted with the raw perfection of ivory and gold.  
  
Gokuu was the image of youthful innocence while asleep; his mouth opened to draw in deep breathes, only to release them as noisy snores that the group had somehow managed to get use to. His body was turned towards the priest, as always, and as always, his small hand was stretched out in the direction of the sleeping blonde man in an unconscious plea and desperate question. A question answered, perhaps, only in the realm of his dreams.  
  
Hakkai had initially lain among them when they had first settled in for the night, but was pulled from his rest by the sound of retreating footsteps leading from their camp. He knew without opening his eyes that it was Gojyo up and restless despite his fatigue. Hakkai remained still while his friend left them to seek comfort in the grasp of solitude, but as minutes melted into hours, he finally rose to seek out Gojyo to offer what little comfort he could before the night sky threatened to call for the sun.  
  
He approached the slouched figure with unusual care, mindful that this intrusion may still be unwanted. But he drew closer to Gojyo with a determined mind, knowing, as he did, that * he * had always welcomed the redhead's company whenever the other man had approached him in the past to pull him from darkening thoughts.  
  
The half-youkai remained silent and unmoving until Hakkai was almost in front of him. He saw the end of the dwindling cigarette glow fiercely as the other man took a strong drag before speaking.  
  
"Oi, Hakkai, comin' out here to check on me?"  
  
Hakkai's face reflexively stretched into what he hoped was a friendly and welcoming smile as he replied, "I'm simply returning the favor. Perhaps I decided that it's my turn to see what you looked like depressed."  
  
Gojyo pulled the cigarette from his mouth and ground it out on the heel of his boot as he released a soft chuckle at having his words of not so long ago given back to him. His eyes were fixed somewhere on the damp ground, where they had remained since Hakkai had found him.  
  
"Well, I hate to disappoint you, but this is pretty much it. I try not to let myself get too depressed over nothin'."  
  
Hakkai moved until he was standing next to Gojyo to lean beside him against the giant trunk of the ancient tree. He let his head tilt back until it touched the dry bark in an attempt to catch glimpses of the fading stars that still clung to the night's sky though the barrier of deep green branches that shifted every so often with an insistent breeze. When he spoke again, it was in a softer tone that he unconsciously reserved for nighttime talks with Gojyo.  
  
"This afternoon was a lot of things, but I wouldn't call it 'nothing'. Gojyo, I know more than anyone else what it's like to have a reminder of the worst of your past show up unexpectedly."  
  
The redhead snorted in a deceptively dismissive manner, but he still would not bring the scarlet of his eyes to meet the forest of his concerned friend's.  
  
"That wasn't my past. Those people had nothin' to do with me."  
  
Hakkai felt his eyes slip shut as he reached inside himself to find the patience to get through this conversation. Not that it wasn't easy to find; this was Gojyo, his best friend, the man who picked him up and took him out of the freezing rain on the worst night of his life. All that Hakkai was belonged to this man on so many levels, and patience was among the easiest to give.  
  
The converted youkai replayed the events of earlier in the afternoon. They had reached a small out of the way town and decided to stop there for a short break before continuing their journey westward. But, they quickly drew unfriendly attention as soon as they entered the town. They were met with silence and heated glares, and it didn't take too long to discern that the majority of the instant and unwarranted anger was directed at Gojyo.  
  
The group had remained close during their stay, an air of protectiveness thick among them, unspoken yet palatable as it always was whenever one of them was threatened. The animosity could only have been be caused by bigotry since Gojyo had never been to that town. He could not have done anything else to cause offence other than having bloodstained hair and eyes.  
  
There were few places they had come across in their journey where the meaning of the shock of scarlet branded him as a half-youkai. Even before the youkai had begun to succumb to madness, a union between the races was still viewed as fairly taboo, so half-bred children were rare and not often seen.  
  
But there were still places where people knew what that redness meant, and as the violence and madness spread across the land, so did the hatred and prejudice for the children born with the blended blood of the two races.  
  
The group was in desperate need of supplies and the next town on their journey was still a ways off, so they remained in the tense atmosphere amongst the angry stares, united as they always were despite bickering and short tempers, relaying to the townspeople with the determined set of their own glares that to mess with one of them would mean getting through all of them. It was a silent but telling afternoon.  
  
The silence was eventually broken.  
  
"Eiri!"  
  
The woman had come out of nowhere, rushing towards the group. Her face was tear-streaked but her eyes were wild, and she fell to her knees before a startled Gojyo with an anguished sob.  
  
"You've come back! Why? Why did you do that? You know what's going to happen! They're going to make me do it again, Eiri, and it was so hard before! So hard -"  
  
"Aunt Keiko!"  
  
A younger woman ran up to the hysterical woman on the ground and put her hands on her shoulders in an attempt to pull her to her feet. She spared a pained look to Sanzou's group, her gaze lingering on Gojyo, before dropping her eyes back to the kneeling women.  
  
"That's not Eiri, Aunt Keiko. It's not him. Please, get up and come back to the house with me."  
  
But her words, if heard at all, had no effect. The sobbing woman's shaking hand shot out and grabbed Gojyo's before he could pull it away.  
  
"You've come back to me, Eiri! And you're all grown up! How? How is that possible?"  
  
Gojyo struggled to get past his shock and managed to respond with a stuttered breath.  
  
"Y-you must have me confused, lady. My name's not -"  
  
But he was cut off before he finished as the woman, who was clearly insane, rushed on without showing any sign that she had heard him. Her grip tightened on the half-breed's hand, and Hakkai dimly recalled thinking at the time, through his own shock, that her nails were going to leave tiny crescents in his best friend's flesh.  
  
"It's that evil blood, isn't it? That evil blood that I put in your veins. But I fixed it, Eiri, don't you remember? I loved you so much, and they told me that the only way to help you was to free you, to free you from that cursed life that I gave you. But that devil's blood won't let you be free, will it? It sent you back here, back to me, but don't worry, I love you and I'll free you again!"  
  
She moved with surprising speed, leaping from her kneeling position with her hands curled and out stretched towards Gojyo's throat.  
  
It was the Sanzou who stopped her, his black boot connecting with her chest as he kicked her back to the dusty ground. The cocking of the gun seemed unusually loud as he pointed it squarely at her head.  
  
"Get her out of here. Now."  
  
There was no disobeying the murderous tone of the priest's voice. Her niece managed to finally pull the hysterical woman upright and steered her quickly away from the four men standing in startled silence.  
  
Hakkai's eyes immediately went to Gojyo who was standing in dull shock staring after the departing figure of the deranged woman. Then, as if feeling the eyes of his teammate, his face slipped into a blank and neutral mask that hurt Hakkai to look at. Gojyo wasn't like him. Gojyo was the most honest man that he knew, and it had hurt so much to stand there and watch his friend, his savior, put on a mask of indifference that hid the shocking beauty of the constant honesty of his face.  
  
They left right after that. They had already gotten the supplies that they needed, and there was nothing, nothing at all, more that they wanted from that town. The ride out was oddly silent, almost painfully quiet without the familiar sounds of bickering that usually rode with them as a constant companion.  
  
They had not gotten far when they were attacked by a large group of vicious youkai, and they had spent the next few hours in battle. And if Hakkai had noticed the increased vigor in which his best friend killed that day, then he chose not to mention it.  
  
But now, with the nighttime sky beginning its shift from black down to deep navy, it was time to remove that horrible mask of forced indifference that Gojyo wore, because it was so wrong, because it was such a lie. Hakkai knew this because he lied everyday with every smile, because he had watched every drop of honesty that he had ever understood himself to possess pour thickly from Kanan's pale throat down to the unforgiving floor of her cell.  
  
And the thing that was the most wrong with this situation was not that the woman had killed her own child because she had believed his life to be a curse, and that was really too horrible to think about in itself, but that Gojyo somehow believed the same thing to a degree about the worth of his own life.  
  
That thought made Hakkai so angry that he almost had to bite down on his own tongue to keep from screaming out. This man had saved his life. This man had given him a home when he had lost one, had given him a reason to live when he had lost that, too. This man was * not * worthless.  
  
"You're worth everything."  
  
At first, he was not aware that the words had escaped his lips until he felt the heat of Gojyo's eyes on him, scalding him with their scarlet intensity as they sometimes did. The mask was slipping; it was sliding off his face like a developing sheen of sweat. Sha Gojyo was too honest for it to remain in place, too honest to stop the blossoming hunger that was stealing across the scarred sun-kissed face beneath the awakening sky.  
  
And this look, this want that sometimes surfaced from time to time, hurt Hakkai to look at, as well. But it was a different kind of pain, a pain that left him frightened rather than angry. Unsure, rather than determined.  
  
He let his own mask go, because there was no room for lies in the early hours of this sleepless morning, because the force of Gojyo's honest longing was for once stronger than Hakkai's crippling numbness.  
  
He closed his eyes but he did not pull away when he felt his friend's hand reach out to trace the curve of his cheek. The forest had been silent, but now his ears roared with the sound of his own heartbeat, and he spared a second to be shocked that a heart as small as his could beat with that much intensity.  
  
Gojyo's warm breath close to his face, ghosting over his mouth, flooded another sense with it's moist heat, before the gap was closed and there was nothing left between them, but so much at the same time.  
  
His best friend's kiss tasted sweet, a different sweetness than Kanan's kisses, more like sweet and spicy at the same time. Hakkai parted his lips slightly, and they were joined a little closer, a little more intimately, and he might have sighed as the sweet spiciness increased. And it was too distracting to be calming; it called out too loudly to the each nerve in his body to be merely pleasant. He opened his mouth wider because his body knew, even if his mind had forgotten, that being turned upside-down was much more rewarding than staying in control.  
  
There was so much blood. It was everywhere, leaking from the wounds on his body, staining his clothing, coating his hands in its seen and unseen thick essence, pouring slowly and fiercely from Kanan's throat as she died, as she choked on it as it filled her mouth, and he could feel it in his own mouth, taste it on his tongue, its metallic tang cursing him, cursing his love -  
  
"Sh. It's all right. You're OK, Hakkai, just calm down."  
  
When his eyes opened, his face was nestled against the strong curve of Gojyo's shoulder and he could see soft strands of crimson falling against his face. He was shaking so badly, every inch of his body trembled uncontrollably, held from collapsing to the ground only by the arm circling his waist and the other gently pressing his head against a warm supporting shoulder. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but his muscles would not cooperate. He could do nothing but shake apart in Gojyo's arms, trusting his friend to put him back together as he had done three years ago.  
  
Finally, the trembling lessened, and Hakkai felt as if he could manage to step away from the protection of his friend's embrace. He was released with obvious reluctance, and he could not stop the sigh as a large hand made a final run through his chestnut hair before falling away. Distantly, he could hear the sound of the birds of the forest waking to greet the dawn, and he knew that it would be time soon to wake his remaining companions to continue their journey.  
  
This time, it was Hakkai who could not bring his eyes to meet his friend's. He stood there, as if rooted to the spot while feeling a curl of shame burn throughout his body. This, like so many things in his life, felt like a failure, and he could not face failing Gojyo as he had failed Kanan so terribly in the past.  
  
He could not stop the tensing of his body as his chin was gripped and gently urged upwards. His eyes, however, would not leave the safety of the forest's ground.  
  
"Hey."  
  
That soft syllable finally pulled his gaze upwards, and he was confronted with gentle understanding and affection in the scarlet orbs. The want remained as well, but cooled and banked for the sake of temporary safety.  
  
"It's OK, Hakkai. Just a little too soon, huh?"  
  
His eyes blinked a few times in response to an unfamiliar sting. He wanted to answer, but he could not find the right words to offer to his friend. His voice had been singed away by the flare of shame that had raced through his body. The hand on his chin smoothed down his neck to rest on his shoulder.  
  
"I don't mind waiting, you know. As long as it takes."  
  
The hand tightened as the soft words were spoken, and warmth spread from the point of contact on his shoulder, slowly returning heat to his chilled body.  
  
"You're worth everything, too."  
  
TBC? 


	2. Chapter 2

You are given a set of choices with almost each step down the path of your life, and with these choices come unique and unavoidable consequences. And it is up to you, since it is, after all, your life, to weigh these choices and consequences and make the decision on how your next step will fall. Sha Gojyo was facing a measure of choice before him now as he sat tangled at the waist with thin and worn bed sheets from yet another inn, staring across the moonlit room as a certain monkey drew in deep breathes and released them as loud gurgling snores.  
  
Choice #1: Roll over and press his pillow firmly against his ear in a feeble attempt to block out the grating noise.  
  
Consequence: A sleepless night since the puny feathers in his pillow were never any match for the might of the monkey's lungs.  
  
Choice #2: Walk over there armed with said pillow and press it firmly against the drooling idiot's face.  
  
Consequence: The snoring would stop, but it would be replaced by yelling and screaming after the saru bucks him off (because Goku is pretty freakin' strong for a moron with sinus problems), followed by at best a pissed-off monk barging in after getting woken up, screaming at them to shut the FUCK up, and firing couple of rounds in their direction. At worst, all of the above, along with an ejection from the inn for creating yet another disturbance for all of the more calm and less insane guests, which would leave all four of them sleeping out in the jeep, where he would spend the remainder of the night seated next to the snoring monkey anyway.  
  
You are given a set of choices with almost each step down the path of your life, and in the life of Sha Gojyo, they were often crappy ones. So he took choice #3, where he sat his ass down on the path and decided to have a smoke.  
  
He slipped from the dark room away from the noisy monkey to the front porch of the inn where he could enjoy his cigarette in peace. The old floorboards shifted and creaked under his weight as he sat on the top step. The sudden flare from his lighter was the only fleeting source of light in the still of the night in the sleepy town the foursome had stopped to rest. The street was deserted at the late hour and Gojyo considered spending the night where he was in order to take advantage of the quiet. He leaned his head back as he felt the familiar taste of nicotine begin to settle his nerves, and he focused on the night sky. There were thick clouds masking most of the stars, and although he could taste traces of moisture in the air, the rain held back its fall. This was good, because it meant that at least Sanzou, and more importantly Hakkai, would be given a chance at undisturbed rest for the night.  
  
It seemed like forever (and thanks to Gojyo's assigned roommate, even longer in his case) since any of them had enjoyed any hours of uninterrupted sleep. The trials of the last few weeks involving Humora and his men had taken a toll on the group. Each had been pushed to and then beyond their personal limits, and then pushed some more. The final showdown in the youkai tower had been weeks ago, and they were now just reaching the point where their bodies were catching up with their minds acknowledging that the gods were really gone and that particular threat had been halted.  
  
What really had gotten to Gojyo was the feeling that as strenuous and dangerous this last trial had been, that it was most likely not going to be the worst, and certainly not the last, challenge that lay ahead on their westward journey. When he followed Hakkai out the door of their home all of those months ago, it had been for an adventure; a chance to cut loose and use his skills to their limits while maybe saving the world from youkai along the way. It was a kick, really, when his friend had told him about the monk's journey and request for their company. Imagine, Sha Gojyo; drinker, gambler, free-loading half-breed who had only ever done one thing that was worthwhile in his entire existence, could actually take part in saving this piece of crap world. That concept was just too funny to not go, and besides, Hakkai was going, and that alone was reason enough to drop his entire life and follow.  
  
He felt a slight burn against his lips as he pulled on the cigarette still resting in his mouth indicating that it had burned as low as it was getting. Instead of dashing it out, he chain lit a second one and settled back more firmly on his perch. He was not eager to go back in to face the snoring chimp, and he doubted anyway that sleep was within his grasp now that these thoughts were swirling insistently in his mind.  
  
He smiled suddenly, as he thought back on another burn against his lips of a different nature. His ruby eyes slid shut as he tried, as he had many times since it had first happened, to pull up the sensations of that moment when his lips had finally made their way to Hakkai's. The kiss was the most natural thing in the world, something it seemed his body had been telling him to do since day one, and when it had finally happened that restless night under the deep cover of the still forest, it was as if the entire crazy universe they had been tripping through had shifted and clicked into place telling him, 'yes, this is where you belong, this is the way things are suppose to be, and its about damn time you figured it out you dim-wit.'  
  
The smile slipped reluctantly from his face as he remembered that that perfect moment had been all too fleeting. Even as each nerve in his body that had been singed and awakened by that small contact urged him to get on with it, get even closer, as close as possible, *closer*, the very small part of his brain that was still capable of thought beyond the taste on his lips had told him that something was wrong. That was when he noticed the tremors coursing through Hakkai's body. He had pulled back and whispered his friend's name, but received no response other than the increase of violence with which the converted youkai shook. He knew then that where ever Hakkai was behind the tightly shut eyelids, he was no longer with Gojyo against that tree, and that scared the half-breed more than any vicious youkai had the power to do. Because he didn't know a lot of things, but he knew that there wasn't any place that Hakkai went to that he wouldn't follow, and if he couldn't follow, then he sure as hell wouldn't letting the other go without him. That had already happened to him once in his life, and once was enough, so he did the only thing that he could think of, he pulled his best friend into his arms tightly, stroking his head and down his back, calling out to him with nonsense words, waiting for Hakkai to turn back from wherever he had gone to and return to Gojyo, where he was needed most.  
  
It was a small shock to him when he lifted his tired sunset-stained eyes and saw the edges of the deep night sky tinged with the gray of the approaching morning. His cigarette had long since burned out and was laying on the ground beside his feet, discarded almost unconsciously some time ago while Gojyo was lost in thought. He looked at it in annoyance, feeling foolish to have gotten so wrapped up in his memories that he had lost track of passing time. He did not like to feel sentimental about anything; he considered it a wasted emotion. After all, sentiment never did anything good for you. Sentiment left you lying in a corner, kneeling in your mother's blood, as it walked out the door and left you alone.  
  
"You are up quite early, Gojyo."  
  
He started slightly at the gentle lilt of Hakkai's voice as it broke through his thoughts and brought him back even more firmly to the present. Hakkai was standing in his poised polite manner behind Gojyo with his signature smile firmly in place. The redhead looked away fixing his gaze outwards. He found himself feeling ridiculously fragile in the early morning haze, and needed to look anywhere but that smile that now hurt his soul, as it did from time to time, when his barriers were just a little lowered.  
  
"More like up late." He replied in a carefully casual voice. "Couldn't get any decent rest with all the Saru's racket. He's as noisy and annoying sleeping as he is awake."  
  
He heard a polite chuckle in response, and reached to light another cigarette. He expected the conversation to be closed, and for the other man to retreat to do whatever weird Hakkai thing that had gotten him out of his own bed so early. Ever since that night when they had shared the disastrous kiss, long intimate conversation had been halted between the two friends. It was something that Gojyo desperately missed, but he was as willing to admit that almost as much as he was willing to admit his true fondness for Goku.  
  
Unexpectedly, he felt the shift of worn wood and the heat of Hakkai's body as the other man sat beside him on the porch of the inn. They sat there in silence for a time, emeralds and rubies surveying the horizon for the dawn, until Gojyo could no longer take the quiet companionship that was now filled with a tense strain. When he spoke, his voice betrayed a slight gruffness.  
  
"So what has you up so early? Or couldn't you sleep, either?"  
  
"No, no, I slept very well. However, it looks like the good weather is going to hold, and Sanzou mentioned getting an early start if it did. I had promised Goku a big breakfast before we left, so I was on my way to the kitchen when I saw you sitting out here."  
  
Gojyo snorted.  
  
"You baby that brat too much. There are people here that can fix him breakfast without you dragging your ass out of bed early to fix it for him."  
  
"True, but Goku has expressed on more than one occasion his fondness for my cooking. It's nice to be able to treat him when the chance comes."  
  
"Whatever. I'm just saying that you give in to that kid too much."  
  
"I can only give what I am able to."  
  
The switch in currents happened so quickly, that it took Gojyo a second to realize that the last response was not really directed at Goku and his immense stomach. He risked a look at his friend beside him, and saw that the other man was no longer smiling, but instead staring down at his open palm, as he had a habit of doing when he was truly troubled.  
  
Without real thought, Gojyo reached out and grabbed the scrutinized hand and held it between his own. He fixed his eyes on the trapped open hand now resting in his lap as he stroked his calloused thumb down the center of the soft warm palm, tracing the all too short lifeline. He began to speak without lifting his eyes to meet Hakkai's startled ones.  
  
"I don't know why you give this thing so much attention. It doesn't mean shit you know. Its just a stupid line in your hand that everyone has, and some are longer than others, but that don't mean that Death will be looking at your damn hands when he comes for you. My mom had a really long lifeline, you know, and it didn't do her a hell of a lot of good, now did it?"  
  
He knew he was babbling, but could not stop. He knew that his actions, that relentlessly tracing Hakkai's lifeline and pulling past it as if he was trying to physically extend its length was in conflict with his words, but he could not stop.  
  
He stopped when Hakkai broke free from his grasp with a small tug, and instead completely reclaiming his stolen hand, reached up and gently cupped the scarred side of Gojyo's face.  
  
The half-breed closed his eyes, unwilling to look at his friend, afraid of what he would see now that masks were breaking and honesty rushed to claim the moment. In the darkness of his apprehension, he was only aware of the soft touch of the palm that seemed to support his entire body in its gentle grasp, could only feel the whispered trace of fingertips against his raised scars, was only able to recognize the faint tick of pressure where Hakkai's pulse point rested against his cheek.  
  
"I don't know what I can give to you, Gojyo. I've never known. You ask for nothing but want everything that I have, everything that I am, but I don't know if you understand how little of me there is left to give."  
  
At some point during the rushed quiet words, a second hand reached out framing Gojyo's face. He felt his head being pulled closer to Hakkai, until he tasted the sound of the other man's whisper on his lips.  
  
"I don't know why I can't stop wanting to give you things with empty hands. I don't know-"  
  
"You don't know much of anything, do you?"  
  
The confession was halted at the harshness of Gojyo's interruption. He felt Hakkai stiffen, and then start to pull away in hurt and confusion. Before he could, however, Gojyo's hands shot out grasping his friend's face and pulled him roughly back. His eyes opened and he stared into the now so vulnerable green eyes before him, pinning the other with the intensity of his gaze.  
  
"But you know what? Neither do I. I don't know anything. Sanzou doesn't know anything either, and Goku sure as hell doesn't. There isn't one god damn soul on this world who has a clue about anything, and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner you can stop torturing yourself and just get on with it."  
  
He had no idea where the words that were spilling from him were coming from, but they rushed from him like an unstoppable storm. He tasted their sting as they pushed past his lips, tasted the terrible power of a moment where self-concept is broken by the rawness of the soul.  
  
"We aren't supposed to know anything. Things are just the way they are, the way they are suppose to be, and us knowing them ain't going to make them any more or any less real. They just are."  
  
He pulled the stunned man closer, needing to eliminate all space between them, feeling that there had been too much space between them for far too long. His lips were pressed against Hakkai's, and when he spoke, his mouth moved against the other man's in a harsh parody of a kiss.  
  
"This. Just. Is."  
  
They stayed that way for endless minutes, the only sound in the still night came form their harsh mingled breathes.  
  
When Gojyo felt movement against his lips, his first thought was that Hakkai was responding to his all but insensible words. But when no sound came from the other man, Gojyo quite dumbly realized that he was indeed being kissed. There was no room for shock, no room for anything other than kisses it seemed, so Gojyo caught up with Hakkai, who was always one step ahead of him, and fell into the embrace. 


End file.
